I recently attended The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals institute for training collaborative professionals in Phoeniz, Arizona. It was truly inspiring, and I appreciated the opportunity to join with a community of like-minded professionals who share a heartfelt desire to make the dissolution experience healthier and less destructive for children and adults.
As the mental health component assisting in a traditional full-team collaborative case, or as one of two dissolution coaches in a collaborative mediation (or as a co-mediator), my training, experience, and perspectives adds immense value to the team approach for resolving marital conflict. I provide useful tools for a mindful negotiation that focuses not only the best interest of your child, but also the best interests of each party as they move forward into a scary yet exciting new phase of their lives. One area where this is accomplished is in assisting clients to manage their intense emotions and reactivity, responses that are quite natural, in ways that encourage them to communicate and negotiate constructively. This in turn promotes achieving emotional closure.
An important piece of gaining emotional understanding of one's experience during this difficult time is to respect what is happening in the brain. Divorce is felt as an intense crisis and trauma. This sets off the fight or flight reaction, which makes it difficult for the two sides of the brain to work together. Speaking generally the left side of our brains house logic, thinking and objectivity. The right side houses emotion and subjectivity. When our nervous systems go offline due to crisis, trauma, or emotional intensity, the two sides of the brain are unable to communicate and integrate with one another. This can cause a break down of constructive, healthy communication.
Healthy communication includes verbalizing one's experience and needs in a mindful, non-attacking manner, while also being receptive to listening authentically. Not listening or feeling heard is a hallmark of communication gone awry. A mental health coach or a mental health co-mediator facilitates their client moving from this mode into an emotionally safe place. Reducing anxiety is a key to finding solutions. Yet many people think that they must suppress or ignore that tension because it is too uncomfortable to sit with, or they may feel that it is now time to speak out and tell the other partner all the blames that have been percolating as a means to retaking the individuality and dignity that seems to have become lost. While either response is reasonable given what is being experienced, it takes awareness to balance them in ways that can positively impact the road out of emotional turbulence.
At the close of the IACP training we were asked to write a mission statement as a collaborative professional. I wrote "I want to help keep families together as couples part ways." It is possible to maintain the "family" even as it seems to be disintegrating but it is hard to imagine this because we believe that unless the family is 'intact' it is not family. Research has shown that children whose parents divorce, but are able to have an amicable working relationship as a team for their kids, do just as well in the long term as those children whose parents stay together - this is remarkable to me because of the hope that it offers. Families can remain positively connected ever after the legal end of the relationship.
None of us wants a divorce, but divorce happens. Committing to work collaboratively with your spouse or domestic partner is an enlightened approach to resolving conflict, and it is effective for managing the stress of divorce so that it does not get absorbed by kids. This management of stress and conflict is also of immense importance for those without children, and your wellbeing deserves the same attention whether you are a parent or not.
You have alternatives to self-destructing in the throes of your relationship breakup, and I very much want to help you see and use them. These options aren't always apparent to the brain when all one can think about is survival, and your body and mind is reacting and trying to cope with this crisis. I want to help point this out to you, and to show you ways to de-escalate not only the tone of the interactions with your partner but also the stress on your emotional and financial systems. I am not acting as a therapist in that role, but as a facilitator. I don't ever tell you what you should do, but I can offer a resource for helping you to reframe what is happening in ways that may allow the brain to gain the perspective that we all tend to lack in the midst of great emotional challenges, when we are commonly otherwise listening to the repetitive mental tapes of our worries and so become driven by them.
Whether as part of a collaborative team, or as one of two divorce coaches assisting with a collaborative mediation, efficient use of mental health professionals can move individuals and couples beyond toxicity and pain in preparation for a healthy new chapter in their lives. It is an honor for me to have this opportunity. I hope it is something you care to consider.
Karen Horwitz, M.A., M.F.T.
DFMS Co-Mediator and Collaborative Professional
Karen Horwitz has a home in Palm Springs and her private therapeutic practice is located in Torrance. She is available to serve as a co-mediator or collaborative coach in the Coachella Valley and within the greater Los Angeles area.