Recent Blog Posts

"Growing Through Divorce" Support Group Begins In June, 2012!

Bev Jewell — Thu, 10 May 2012 15:17:00 GMT

Palm Springs Divorce Recovery Group Begins June, 2012

Marriage Counselor/Divorce Coach, Bev Jewell, is offering another 6 week "Growing Through Divorce™" support group beginning the first week of June. This opportunity is ideal for people who are recently separated, stuck within the divorce process, or who are coping with the aftermath of relationship end months or even years following your breakup.

As you well know, divorce is a crisis that dramatically alters the foundations of a person's life. "Growing Through Divorce™" helps to create a sense of security, community, support and personal growth so people can get through this stage of confusion and grief and start to productively build their new life. Sharing this experience with others who are similarly situated has immense power and benefits.

The group's focus includes moving through the emotional stages of the divorce process in order to reintegrate and rebalance ourselves;. These stages often involve denial that the divorce is really happening, questioning (bargaining) if one could have done more to prevent the divorce, becoming unstuck in patterns of blame/anger at "the other" for "doing this to them". These emotions, as well as the deep sense of loss, have to be addressed and dealt with before forgiveness and acceptance can be approximated or achieved. It is also important to understand the roles that partners played in the marriage, the lessons that can be learned, and to feel gratitude for what was good and wonderful, when it was. Without this healing process people often rebound into another relationship, carrying their previous baggage with them, or transfer their distress to their children or others.

Each group is limited to a maximum of 8 people, in order to create a more personal and intimate dialogue and experience. The workshop is six weeks long. Each session is 90 minutes, The cost is $25 a week per person, and is intended to be affordable.

If this process sounds like it might have value for you, please call Bev Jewell at 760-699-7027 for more information and to reserve your spot in the group!

Related Websites: www.growingthroughdivorce.com, www.desertdivorcesolutions.com and www.essentialfocus.com

Please note: This workshop takes place at the Palm Springs offices of Desert Family Mediation Services, but is not in any way sponsored by DFMS.

Riverside County Family Law Mediation Panel Launches on May 3, 2012

DFMS — Fri, 04 May 2012 02:10:00 GMT

Divorce and Family Law Mediations, Riverside County, California

The Riverside County Superior Court's Family Law Mediation Panel website profiles were published today. We are pleased to report that DFMS Mediator Thurman W. Arnold, in his role as Chair of the Desert Bar Association's Family Law Section, has been instrumental in helping to establish this first-ever mediation panel for family law matters in Riverside County. Mr. Arnold's mediator information for the Panel can be accessed by clicking here.

There are approximately 26 family law mediators who have been approved, within the entire county, as possessing the minimum qualifications necessary to join the Panel. Congratulations to each and every one! Please click the above link to review the backgrounds and qualifications of these individuals, as well as their rates, as an aid in selecting a family law mediator who may be of useful service to you and your family. You will find wide differences between them in terms of their mediation training, experience, and styles that may be of value to you in choosing the most appropriate mediator for your family and your needs. Regardless of the different backgrounds of these individuals, they all share an uncommon interest and devotion to peacemaking as a more positive alternative to traditional styles for resolving matrimonial, domestic partner, and child-related disputes - which we urge is very much cheaper, more efficient, and pro-active than what people typically experience in Family Court litigation. These mediators are all the "cream of the crop"; frankly, other professionals who hold themselves out as mediators within our communities who've not bothered to take extensive mediation training and who don't care to seek to join the Panel mean well but may lack the mediation expertise and skillfulness that you deserve. Experience does matter.

It is important to note that these Mediation Panelists, in their role as private mediators, are not in any way connected with the Riverside County Court. Indeed, the Court's website contains this important disclaimer: "This information has been provided by the mediator and has not been independently verified by the Court. The Court provides this list of mediators as a public service. The Court does not endorse, recommend or make any warranty as to the qualifications or competency of any provider on the list. Inclusion on the list is based on the representations of the mediator. The Court assumes no responsibility of liability for any act or omission of any mediator on the list."

Desert Family Mediation Services is the premiere family law mediation firm in the Coachella Valley. We provide free mediation orientation sessions for those who wish to discover whether mediation is appropriate to their circumstances. There is no obligation and we are honored to help you evaluate whether this option makes sense and is workable for you!

Please give DFMS™ a call - we are easy to talk to!

MEDIA ADVISORY FROM BARRIE J. ROBERTS, DIRECTOR OF ALTERNATIVE DISPUTE RESOLUTION PROGRAMS, RIVERSIDE COUNTY SUPERIOR COURT

May 3, 2012

NEW MEDIATION PANEL HELPS FAMILIES RESOLVE DIVORCE, CUSTODY, SPOUSAL AND CHILD SUPPORT DISPUTES WITHOUT COURT TRIAL

RIVERSIDE COUNTY: The Riverside County Superior Court is pleased to announce a new resource for families and couples facing family law disputes.

The new Family Law Private Mediation Panel lists over 20 attorney-mediators countywide who are ready to help parties work out solutions to their divorce, custody, visitation, spousal and child support disputes without adversarial court hearings or trial.

The panel includes mediators who serve every area of Riverside County, including Blythe, Indio, Palm Springs, downtown Riverside, Hemet, Banning, Temecula, Moreno Valley, Corona and more.

The new panel was posted on the court's website today: http://adr.riverside.courts.ca.gov/adr/fl/ Also posted was a new web page filled with information about private mediation for family law cases: http://riverside.courts.ca.gov/adr/famlaw_privatemediation.shtml

According to Presiding Judge Sherrill Ellsworth, "Our family law judges strongly encourage parties to use alternative dispute resolution, including mediation, to resolve their disputes."

"Costly and stressful adversarial court hearings are rarely in the best interests of the children or the parents," said Indio Family Law Judge Dale Wells. "Mediation gives parties the opportunity to express their concerns in a safe and private environment. With the mediator's help, the parties can reach voluntary agreements that are custom-made for their particular situation."

And, Judge Jackson Lucky, Family Law judge in downtown Riverside points out, "Family law decisions are so important because they deal with children and family finances. The parties understand their needs better than anyone else. Mediation puts control where it should be: with the parties. It allows them to make the best choices for themselves, instead of hoping that a judge, who is a stranger, will make the right decisions for them."

All mediators on the court's Family Law Private Mediation Panel are attorneys with at least 5 years of family law experience in Riverside County. Many have had extensive training in family law mediation. Several are certified as Family Law Specialists by the State Bar of California Board of Legal Specialization.

To schedule a mediation session with a member of the new panel, parties simply contact the mediator of their choice. Each panel mediator has posted an on-line Profile describing his or her background, contact and fee information, including whether reduced rates are offered.

Announcing WEBSITE DESIGN and SEO For Mediators By Thurman Arnold

Thurman W. Arnold, III — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 16:59:00 GMT

Website Design, Development and Optimization for

Divorce and Family Law Mediation

This blog article is written for anyone who is a mediator, or who is beginning to seriously consider making the commitment to establishing a mediation practice within their community. In order to be successful, you need to be visible to the public you would serve. However, for most legal professionals how to accomplish that visibility on the Web is a deep mystery.

I believe so passionately in mediation as a highly productive, relatively inexpensive, and richly satisfying alternative to family court litigation that I want to do everything within my sphere of influence to popularize it, including helping other lawyer-mediators and nonlawyer mediators to establish and develop their own dispute resolution practices. The internet is an incredible tool for reaching out to legal consumers and educating them about the availability and benefits of this option. It is an excellent setting for showcasing our own mediation philosophies and styles. Those of us who love to mediate because of the positive differences it makes in people's lives - and in our own professional practices to the extent that we divorce attorneys become an active part of the solution, rather than problem generators - have the opportunity and possibly even the responsibility to do everything we can to have an on-line conversation with disputants about the economic and emotional perils of adversary litigation. Mediator websites are a powerful platform from which to begin that dialogue. Not only do our on-line identities represent an ethical vehicle for attracting business and so earning a living, they are tools for change in how society, and people at the end of relationship in particular, make choices about what we value. If we value relationship warfare, that is what we will experience together with all the harm it causes ourselves and others. If people recognize that it is natural to be conflicted and reactive when the emotional and economic relationship implodes, but that it is possible to manage those feelings and to choose not to let them rule our lives, then another world of choices and outcomes opens up. The goal of dissolution related mediation is to alleviate human suffering, one couple at a time.

For these reasons I've decided to offer my services to legal and mental health professionals who wish to develop a sophisticated on-line presence in the field of divorce and family law mediation. After having invested hundreds and hundreds of hours developing my own sites, and sites for others (including two nationally recognized mediation trainers), I have gained a powerful intimacy with how Google and other search engines operate. I want to apply that expertise to your advantage. I can assist you with website design, in choosing and negotiating with the right website design company (for instance, Scorpion Designs), with important feedback concerning whether to incur costs with website developers like Findlaw.com and Mediate.com, and with search engine optimization techniques and content writing. My websites speak for themselves (please feel free to browse the links at the bottom of this page, and www.LosAngelesFamilyMediationServices.com). And they speak to potential mediation clients 24/7.

If you wish to know more about the types of services I can offer you, and the reasons why utilizing these services will have a far higher impact on your customer base and the success of your mediation practices, please visit me at www.FamilyLawSEOSpecialists.com.

Thurman Arnold, III
Mediation Website Design and Optimization
Email: twarnold@verizon.net

GARY FRIEDMAN to Teach RIVERSIDE County Attorneys Mediation Skills at Upcoming Workshop

Desert Family Mediation Services — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 17:02:00 GMT

I am pleased to be this year's Chair of the Desert Bar Association's Family Law Section (FLS). Together with Barrie Roberts, Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) Director for the Riverside County Superior Courts, FLS is putting on a mediation program for family law attorneys in the Palm Springs and greater Riverside County area to introduce us to the Understanding Based Mediation Model developed by Gary J. Friedman, and as a useful tool in appropriate family law cases for helping people resolve their cases with far less strife than traditionally encountered.

The Riverside County Superior Court is launching a county-wide Family Law Mediation Panel in March, 2012, which is aimed at serving at least two purposes: 1) increasing the number of trained family law mediators to include those family law attorneys who are approved by the Courts as having significant family law background and experience and 2) creating a pool of trained mediators for the new Voluntary Settlement Conference Program (VSC) that will begin to take place in April, 2012 for selected self-represented parties to pending dissolution cases.

Gary Friedman will be putting on a four-day workshop in Palm Springs at the end of February, and in the first week of March, for lawyers who have been accepted to the new Mediation Panel (and certain non-lawyers including mental health professionals, who will be eligible to co-mediate cases with attorneys), and for those who are interested in adding mediation to their family law and civil practices but who don't qualify for the Panel. This program is made possible through the sponsorship of the Riverside County Bar Association's Dispute Resolution Services program, as well as the sponsorship of the Desert Bar Association and the Riverside Courts.

Beginning in approximately April of this year, Judge Dale Wells of the Indio Superior Court will be supervising a new VSC program in Indio on the first Monday of each month, relying upon the services of the members of the newly created Mediation Panel. Its focus for now will be directed to assisting parties without lawyers to move their divorce and family law cases to conclusion through mediation rather than litigation. We hope to expand the program to make mediation a viable alternative for resolving pending cases in our jurisdiction.

This is truly and exciting development. Approximately 15 attorneys in the greater Coachella Valley will be participating in this workshop, as well as attorneys from Hemet and downtown Riverside. This is expected to have benefits to the public beyond the Panel and VSC program, by increasing the number of trained and experienced family law mediators in our area. Mediation truly helps attorneys, even in litigated cases, to focus on compromise and resolution rather than expensive and time-consuming litigation in every case.

T.W. Arnold, Chair of the Family Law Section of the Desert Bar Association (2012)

MEDIATION Is the Sane Alternative - But Only If You Value Your FAMILY And Your Money!

Thurman W. Arnold, III, Family Law Mediator — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 01:12:00 GMT

DFMS Is Now (Almost) 18 Months Old!

I want to compliment and honor those of you who have seen the terrible destruction and waste that is characteristic of family court litigation, and who have been inspired by this insight to inquire about and undertake mediation with DFMS - or who have been encouraged within your locale to find peacemakers, rather than legal warriors to battle senselessly over unresolved issues relating to your marriages and domestic partnerships. Whether you retain DFMS or any other mediation firm to help you through these traumatic relational times, by opening yourself to mediated outcomes in divorce and family law conflict you become pioneers in entertaining the possibility that there is an alternative to the tone of warfare and acting-out that seems to distract and entertain a large part of our popular culture - personified by the talking heads on so much television and by our national politicians.

I have been practising law now since 1982. I have met and worked with so many unhappy individuals and couples over these long years, and owe to them some humble financial success - but I am here to suggest to you that it is possible to "STOP" and not to line the pockets of aggressive attorneys at the expense of yourself and your families. Truth be told, I bill large numbers in my litigated cases - especially those involving high conflict or significant property and support matters - but I would trade it all for helping you in designing your own destiny. I have written so much about this subject that I don't mean to bore you with repetition, yet I want to congratulate and reinforce those of you who are dissatisfied with the default adversarial system and whom are willing to investigate beyond the obvious, simplistic reactivity of thinking that tearing your former partner's heart out will somehow serve your own interests. It just isn't true.

I write this Blog tonight to honor a couple who successfully completed a complicated mediation today after about two months of mediated sessions (less than 12 hours overall). They showed such great dignity and fairness, while necessarily needing to contain and respond to their respective fears and concerns about finances and how they could move forward in this new world of single and not dual incomes, that I was almost stunned at how easy mediation can be for some. One member of this former couple had interviewed a storm trooper of a local attorney, and she recognized immediately (as she told me) that that attorney's agenda sounded hollow and self-serving and that the red flags had flared. This person chose differently, but most importantly she made a choice. Few do.

I will tell you a secret. By far the majority of divorce and family law attorneys depend upon your trance and hurt in order to earn their living. A disappointing many of them will lie, misrepresent, conceal, and vilify in order to serve their conflict agenda and to perpetuate this struggle. Certainly there are many parties to litigation who need this kind of ... "representation." The old ways won't die soon. It takes two willing parties to mediate relationship disputes. I will not make friends among by brothers and sisters in the law in making this bold statement - which is indeed an accusation (and an invitation) - and you already know it is true.

But this is the thing - lawyers can take some of your money, or they (we) can take all of it. I urge you to "wake up" instead. Save your famlies, save yourselves, and save your wallets and pocketbook and direct your own future rather than giving it over to strangers.

DFMS is now almost 18 months' old, and was the brain child of retired Riverside County Commissioner Gretchen W. Taylor and attorney-mediator Thurman W. Arnold, III, CFLS. DFMS is based in Palm Springs, but serves parties located within a 100 mile radius of the desert cities. In June, 2011, we launched Los Angeles Family Mediation Services with a tony team of seriously experienced and dedicated legal, mental health, and accounting professionals.

There is no other mediation team in the desert that has undertaken any training whatever in assisting family law litigants to avoid a government sponsored solution to relationship conflict. Our family law judges are overworked, underpaid, and pissed off. If you think that justice will be served by squaring off, you are likely going to be unpleasantly surprised. With the burdens imposed by the Elkins changes in the law, corners are being cut to the point that court divorce is a crapshoot. Good judges want you to mediate your disputes elsewhere.

But, sadly, I know that this crapshoot will not go away any time soon. I admit that anger, resentment, punishment and conflict are a disease that DFMS cannot cure. And for those folks I will ethically protect their interests to the best of my ability as a litigating attorney. But DFMS is resonating in our Coachella Valley, and a steady flow of awakened individuals are heading our way - we receive more emails and calls each and every week than before.

We offer free Orientations to outline for you and your spouse or domestic partner the landscape that you are entering. We offer premiere legal wisdom and an experience borne of many years' experience and of dealing with thousands of couples, as an antidote to the frustration and expense of lawyers and judges and the courts.

Why not consider a mediated outcome? You may not enrich the family law attorneys, but you will enrich your own lives. And, at DFMS, that is all that matters.

Thurman W. Arnold, III, Certified Family Law Specialist and Family Law Mediator

LITIGATION Verses MEDIATION: ADVERSARY REALITIES Worth Considering Before Pulling the Trigger

Thurman Arnold, III, CFLS — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 23:51:00 GMT

Litigation Is The Default Strategy For Adjudicating Conflict

Some people believe that mediators don't hold the American legal system or the judges who play their role within it in high regard. That isn't the case. Speaking for myself, I feel that divorce court ought be the option of last, and not first, resort. We accept the status quo because it has a long history within the American cultural identity as being the only method for resolving disputes. This is not true in many countries, which is why foreigners sometimes look at our courtroom antics as a source of amusement and derision. The United States is the most litigious nation in the world. But it is also a fact that our freedoms depend upon our legal infra-structure, including the roles that judges and lawyers play. We just need to add the mediators to our organic view of our family law legal system.

Professional mediators value our legal system. Both litigation and mediation have as their ultimate goals the peaceful resolving of conflicts and disputes, and the equalization of power as between disputants so that weaker parties, or segments of the population, are not disadvantaged or oppressed by those who hold greater status, larger wallets, or the majority view. Without the safety valve that the symbols and procedures of justice provide, conflict could erupt into violence and the functioning of society would be imperiled. Watching the world and local news, it seems we are often on the edge of this escalation anyway, making the justice system even more crucial to how we manage and conduct our lives. Not only do courts help ensure order and some semblance of fairness between people or entities that are 'in argument' with one another, our belief that they fulfill this function is elemental to our sense of safety and our willingness and consent to submit to authority, governmental or otherwise.

Divorce was largely unknown in American legal society until the mid-1800's. Our governing system simply was not designed to address the financial and emotional consequences of divorce, and has been playing catch-up ever since. We superimposed the structures for resolving political and business disputes upon families for lack of another choice, and there was no other paradigm to apply until the last few decades when forward thinkers pioneered the first wave of alternative dispute resolution options. It is that same disconnect that inspired collaborative law and mediation processes within the family law arena as the second wave of non-court possibilities, but these processes are not yet mainstream.

Now another movement is gaining momentum that incorporates mediation in the center of our dispute solution thinking. Understanding the dangers and limitations of court divorce is foundational to making informed decisions today about what to do. This is one reason why I keep blogging about it.

____________

Family court judges and commissioners are passionate about serving the family law litigants who appear in their courtrooms, as are mediators specializing in these disputes. But unlike the limitations that judges find themselves enshrined within (rules, rules, rules), mediation contains only the barest of limitations. The minimal constraints for mediation are transparency between the parties and open disclosure about all relevant matters, consent to engage the process, and respectful speech between the parties. While simple, these rules are not so easy to follow which is one reason why adversary litigation for some people aren't going away any time soon. But I believe that a fresh outlook that incorporates integrity into relationship transition may be just a shift in thinking away.

Realities of Divorce Court and Limits On What Judges Can Achieve

Although a marriage or domestic partnership dissolution is only about the parties lives and their children, if any, at all times the parties themselves are the least empowered and important persons in the court process.

Judges are the most important decision-maker in family courts. They are adorned by the symbols of power. These include robes, a bench that is placed higher than any other seat in the room which focuses every occupant's eyes on their august presence, deputies who carry loaded weapons, the flags of government, titles of honor, Latin phrasings and more.

As the deciders and dispensers of "justice," as a practical matter they are beyond challenge, cannot be questioned, and rule the process much like any mini head of state. There is some reason for all of this within the adversary process, if we are to consent to being governed (requiring that we hold faith in the governor's fairness and wisdom). Judges should be viewed as the personification of justice and the utmost decorum must be maintained; moreover, these symbols are also hoped to remind the judges that they serve by the will of the people who appear before them.

At the same time, judges are merely people like every one of us. They have all the same biases, quirks, temptations, personal histories, and vulnerabilities. Judges have specialized training about ethics, bias, and managing the power they are granted in a manner that instills confidence. But no matter how you slice it, when power is ceded there is always a risk of abuse. With family court judges in particular, many of whom actually dread the assignment, being faced with stubborn disputes day in and day out carries the risk of reactivity, cynicism and sadness, tendencies of becoming lost in self-importance, frustration, and general burn-out and even a desire to flee. Whenever we grant people with power over us we tend to imbue them with god-like qualities. Although understandable this imposes quite a burden which is neither fair nor realistic. Judges are not gods.

The fact is that some family court judges have no particular expertise in family law. We make a leap to faith that they do, but I am telling you this is not true. Should a well-meaning carpenter repair your car?

For these reasons I believe any person who wishes to control their own destiny will not place an unreasonable faith in the ability and power of judges, except as a last resort, to decide their fates. However, I admit that some people just cannot overcome their conflicts on their own, or are married to spouses that suffer from what borders on personality disorders. It is near impossible to mediate such couples successfully.

But for a vast portion of our divorcing population, where there is understandable distrust and conflict, mediation holds real promise in getting people through the end of relationship economically and with dignity. I hope that you might be one of the lucky ones.

TWA

Client SANCTIONED When Her Lawyer DISCLOSED INFORMATION That VIOLATED the MEDIATION PRIVILEGE

T.W. Arnold, III, CFLS — Sun, 08 May 2011 15:16:00 GMT

What Marriage of Davenport Means for Mediation

Family law mediators and collaborative attorneys, and those attorneys who decry the shameless lack of ethics on the part of some high conflict divorce litigants and their attorneys, are thrilled with a May 4, 2011, published opinion from Justice Richman of the First Appellate District for California in Marriage of Davenport upholding a bold and incisive decision by trial judge Cerena Wong.

As it relates to mediation, the decision is important for several reasons: 1) It demonstrates the insane expense that adversary cases can generate; 2) It serves a primer listing the types of conduct and behavior by out of control lawyers that courts - and lawyer's clients - must not tolerate; 3) It affirms a trial court award of $100,000 in sanctions and $304,387 in attorney fees against a Wife (plus paying Husband's costs for the appeal) imposed by reason of the aggravated mismanagement of her case by her attorney and the law firm she'd retained to protect her; and 4) the opinion holds that a lawyer's violation of the rules for mediation confidentiality provided for under Evidence Code section 1119 is grounds for awarding 271 sanctions against the client.

This is the first reported decision in California where a party was ordered to pay Family Code section 271 sanctions and attorney fees in part because their lawyer attempted to disclose matters that arose during mediation. While it is rare that lawyers will cross this confidentiality boundary, it does happen. Marriage of Davenport constitutes notice that failure to honor the mediation privilege may have costly adverse consequences.

As is usually the case in family law disputes over money and property, the people who suffer are the parties themselves. I predict that Davenport will help lead to revisions in our Family Code in 2012/2013 authorizing trial courts to issue sanctions' awards against attorneys and law firms separately from those that may be assessed only against litigants under the current scheme. Given a clear trend among California appellate courts to hold all the professionals in family law cases accountable to the courts and to each other, this is not only inevitable but a wise thing. Otherwise, the system will continue to break down.

I have written extensively on my Mindful Divorces Blog about Davenport as it relates to attorneys who act like attack dogs. Here I discuss the case in terms of its application to mediation. However, this statement from the appellate court summarizes the extent of the trial and appellate court displeasure with Jill Davenport's attorneys:

"'The Court questions the wisdom of such a large firm as O'Brien, Watters to choose to "educate" a newly admitted lawyer with a case that involved millions of dollars of varied assets in California and other states, with a long term marriage and complicated trust holdings. With no background in either civil or family law litigation, Mr. Andrew Watters admitted to the Court that he was taught to litigate this case with unbridled aggression. These uncooperative and uncivil courses of action have caused Mrs. Davenport unnecessary delays and unnecessary attorney fees and costs.'" [Emphasis added].

Sanctions and the Mediation Privilege

Jill and Ken Davenport were married in 1948 and separated in 1990, amassing an estate worth near 57 million dollars. Ken was a talented car salesman and real estate investor. Notwithstanding the break up in 1990, it wasn't until 2006 that Jill filed a petition for dissolution of marriage. During that 16 years "there was agreement and cooperation, including their participation in joint estate planning favorable to Jill, and agreement to sell off many of the [community properties]." Jill was then 75 years of age, and Ken was 78.

This cooperation ended in February, 2006 when something set Jill onto the road to reactivity and calamity. She herself fired the first salvo in the form of a letter to Ken which accused him of having "stepped over the line," having "lied to me," of being taken advantage of by others, and she made a series of demands for money and property. Although the parties had seemingly co-existed peacefully for almost 16 years since separating, the status quo exploded with her February 3, 2006 letter. Wife filed her Disso Petition 30 days later.

What had changed? At about the same time Wife retained the law firm of O'Brien Watters and Davis, LLP, to prosecute her divorce. When Wife's Petition was filed, senior attorney Michael Watters was named as her attorney of record. However, in November 2005 one Andrew Watters (presumably Michael's son and not his brother given the age difference), passed the California Bar and joined the law firm effective February 24, 2006. He was introduced to Jill three days later and became her gladiator in the case, so beginning an odyssey that would continue unabated for the next two years and more. According to Andrew Watters, thereafter he "personally handled or [was] personally involved in each and every transaction between the parties ..., as well as each and every discovery request, discovery event, court proceeding, and other substantive matter." As the First Appellate District court dryly notes, "Early on, a young and inexperienced attorney at that firm [Andrew] became Jill's primary attorney, and interacted with Ken's attorneys for the next two years, interactions that would generate a 35-page register of actions and 19 volumes of court files."

Andrew Watters embarked on a campaign of over-exuberant letter-writing and litigating which was at its core provocative, sneering, sarcastic, rude and offensive, entirely uncooperative, and that therefore generated massive legal fees on the part of the Husband (as well as Watters' own client). For numerous specific examples of what this conduct looked like, please follow the links above to the decision itself and/or my Mindful Divorces Blog.

Ultimately Attorney Watters filed a motion seeking $1 million in fees and sanctions against the Husband, which blew up in his client's face. Not surprisingly, Husband's attorneys filed a similar counter-motion. Husband prevailed.

In describing what conduct justified the trial court's award of more than $400,000 against Jill Davenport the appellate justices outline Mr. Watters' more egregious defalcations. Of interest here is the fact that as part of a declaration he filed to set forth the Husband's alleged uncooperative misconduct, Watters attached "mediation-related documents, set forth what was done and purportedly said in mediation, and referred to agreements reached in mediation." The trial court had found that Jill's counsel "made many references to what was presented and said in mediation in violation of Evidence Code section 1119."

Evid.C. § 1119 states:

"Except as otherwise provided in this chapter:

(a) No evidence of anything said or any admission made for the purpose of, in the course of, or pursuant to, a mediation or a mediation consultation is admissible or subject to discovery, and disclosure of the evidence shall not be compelled, in any arbitration, administrative adjudication, civil action, or other noncriminal proceeding in which, pursuant to law, testimony can be compelled to be given.

(b) No writing, as defined in Section 250, that is prepared for the purpose of, in the course of, or pursuant to, a mediation or a mediation consultation, is admissible or subject to discovery, and disclosure of the writing shall not be compelled, in any arbitration, administrative adjudication, civil action, or other noncriminal proceeding in which, pursuant to law, testimony can be compelled to be given.

(c) All communications, negotiations, or settlement discussions by and between participants in the course of a mediation or a mediation consultation shall remain confidential."

The Davenport court noted that " Ken, of course, incurred expenses in addressing these improper revelations." We have no evidence in the decision what portion of fees might be allocated to the expenses that Ken's attorneys were forced to incur in protecting the mediation privilege as opposed to his other abuses, but Family Code section 271 sanctions do not require proof of any actual injury or the specific amount thereof.

The Take-Away

Davenport is a ground-breaking decision on a number of fronts, but particularly because it chronicles in painful detail the types of aggressive and adversarial conduct that relationship breakup and the accompanying litigation tend to generate. It is more than a cautionary tale for lawyers. It reminds us that while some lawyers are busy proclaiming that their only concern is protecting clients who've been allegedly mistreated, when these warrior representatives become overly enmeshed with their clients' views and experiences that there is a huge but in some ways natural risk that they will lose all objectivity and become so identified with their clients' fears and hurts that the lawyers themselves act as if they were the ones who are divorcing the other side.

I call this a "natural" risk because I admit from my own experience that it requires effort and continuing reflection for attorneys (and even more so the parties) to remain focused on the process of solution-finding in a civil and non-emotional manner. This is a "tall order" to be sure. A good example of what happens when one is failing in this regard is that attorneys may abandon decorum and professionalism, and ignore well-established legal rules including the fact that mediation is, and must remain, confidential.

As I've written countless times, the adversarial, government sponsored method for resolving relationship breakup in anything approaching a holistic fashion is deeply flawed - principally because we humans are hard-wired to fight, flee, and react. One way that Family Court can meet its promise of protecting all the people who resort to the Courts requires that the consequences for obstreperous and unruly behavior be made known to disputants and legal professionals, and that divorce judges in appropriate cases impose those monetary consequences. Sanctions deter misconduct from continuing, and attorney fees compensate the victims of such misconduct. Historically judges have been relatively timid in awarding sanctions and fees in sufficient amounts to really compensate aggrieved parties from out of pocket losses caused by litigiousness, but this is judicial attitude is clearly changing. Appellate and family court bench officers are realizing that if they don't step in and manage out of control litigants in a meaningful way, that the public's confidence in government generally and the judiciary specifically will continue to erode. In the absence of accountability, those contestants and lawyers who insist on being bullies and running up fees will succeed in controlling the very asylum their behaviors create.

Fortunately for you, since you've bumped into this Blog and had enough interest to wade through it, something about mediation and the too common tragic consequences of adversary litigation resonates.

While it takes two sides to agree to mediation and then to stick with it in good faith, and mediation gives no guarantees (indeed, to whatever extent it was attempted in Davenport it was evidently doomed to fail by the attitudes of at least one side), Justice Richman together with his colleagues, Justices Kline and Lambden, provides us with a template that is instructive:

The parties are responsible for the tone of their family law proceeding

The parties reap the rewards or pay the consequences for the choices that they make, or which their attorneys make for them

Selecting your attorney in a family law case is a critical decision. It is also problematic because it is challenging to obtain enough information, that is reliable, at the outset to know whether these attorneys will walk their talk (the sanctioned behavior of the law firm that represented Jill Davenport contradicts the Mission Statement and Firm Philosophy pages on that firm's website; to be fair such statements are aspirational, but they also need to be authentic). Most people must initially make a leap to faith in their selection

As one of the two parties to family litigation, you have an ongoing duty to yourself to evaluate whether the case is heading towards solutions, or devolving into name-calling destructive chaos. If you find yourself invigorated by the ongoing conflict, and are instructing your gladiator to thump the other side 'no matter what it costs' you risk losing yourself within a dark and dangerous forest and the blame and responsibility is rightfully yours

It is entirely natural, nonetheless, to have moments where you feel overtaken by the trance of the divorce experience (or to have periods of clarity where you recognize that you've been stewing in reactivity, much like when we find ourselves standing in front of the bathroom mirror with a toothbrush in our mouths, remembering nothing about how it got there). The trick for parties, and for lawyers, and what may make all the difference for you and your family, is that we benefit from clearing our heads from time to time and from exercising a willingness to put the past aside (I'm speaking to reactive outbursts) and start afresh, time and again. If we don't do this, we may become prisoners - we are only helpless when we fail or refuse to stop and reflect, something no one else can do for us

Consider mediating your matter while having a willingness to not view that process as a more sophisticated way of achieving the same financial or emotional outcomes you might seek or expect in litigation. Mediation works when people chose to cooperate on at least some levels. If everything must be your way, and if your mind tells you that you should get exactly what you feel entitled to (what the other party thinks is important be damned), you always have Family Court waiting out there ready to swallow you up!

Be respectful of others, and be kind and patient with yourself. Even if you must litigate (as where the other side insists), seek out expert lawyers who value peacemaking.

And rest assured that your efforts to mediate will be appreciated and safeguarded by outstanding Family Court bench officers and their counterparts in the higher courts.

Mediator Thurman W. Arnold, III

Announcing LOS ANGELES FAMILY MEDIATION SERVICES in Beverly Hills, California

Los Angeles Family Mediation Services — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 01:33:00 GMT

Artwork Courtesy of www.Love-Art.com

Los Angeles Family Mediation Services

310-948-6408

The DFMS Team is pleased to announce that we are launching Los Angeles Family Mediation Services (LAFMS) from our offices at 9400 Brighton Way, Suite 207, Beverly Hills, California, 90210, effective June 1, 2011.

Specializing in divorce and family law collaborative mediation, the LAFMS members consist of a retired Los Angeles family law judge, a psychologist, two certified family law specialists, and two M.F.T.'s and mental health professionals. Added together the experience of our Team exceeds 100 years of legal and mental health expertise and wisdom, accumulated in the trenches of family law, custody, and relationship conflict.

Our goal is to provide a complementary, interdisciplinary, and cost-effective resource for assisting families to move forward in constructive ways when marriages and domestic partnerships dissolve in all the cities neighboring downtown Los Angeles.

Our LAFMS website went on-line on May 26, 2011. Please visit us there if you live in the cities surrounding Los Angeles.

We want you to know that we are deeply passionate and eager to help people who would like to avoid the destruction that until very recently all soon-to-be former partners assumed was their rite of passage at relationship end, something that just isn't true. We believe that instead separating couples and partners have other positive and creative choices available to them that may serve not only the domestic disputants themselves, but also their children, their parents and siblings, and every one else with whom they come into contact.

We make a difference in people's lives, and we have a secret to share - You don't have to have an insane dissolution or other familial dispute. There exists fertile middle ground if you care to dig a bit deeper. Allow us to point the way!

The LAFMS Team is comprised of:

*Let us help get you out of this mess, intact!

Los Angeles Family Law Mediation Services

DFMS Mediator KAREN HORWITZ Completes IACP Training!

Karen Hortwitz, M.F.T. — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 15:22:00 GMT

I recently attended The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals institute for training collaborative professionals in Phoeniz, Arizona. It was truly inspiring, and I appreciated the opportunity to join with a community of like-minded professionals who share a heartfelt desire to make the dissolution experience healthier and less destructive for children and adults.

As the mental health component assisting in a traditional full-team collaborative case, or as one of two dissolution coaches in a collaborative mediation (or as a co-mediator), my training, experience, and perspectives adds immense value to the team approach for resolving marital conflict. I provide useful tools for a mindful negotiation that focuses not only the best interest of your child, but also the best interests of each party as they move forward into a scary yet exciting new phase of their lives. One area where this is accomplished is in assisting clients to manage their intense emotions and reactivity, responses that are quite natural, in ways that encourage them to communicate and negotiate constructively. This in turn promotes achieving emotional closure.

An important piece of gaining emotional understanding of one's experience during this difficult time is to respect what is happening in the brain. Divorce is felt as an intense crisis and trauma. This sets off the fight or flight reaction, which makes it difficult for the two sides of the brain to work together. Speaking generally the left side of our brains house logic, thinking and objectivity. The right side houses emotion and subjectivity. When our nervous systems go offline due to crisis, trauma, or emotional intensity, the two sides of the brain are unable to communicate and integrate with one another. This can cause a break down of constructive, healthy communication.

Healthy communication includes verbalizing one's experience and needs in a mindful, non-attacking manner, while also being receptive to listening authentically. Not listening or feeling heard is a hallmark of communication gone awry. A mental health coach or a mental health co-mediator facilitates their client moving from this mode into an emotionally safe place. Reducing anxiety is a key to finding solutions. Yet many people think that they must suppress or ignore that tension because it is too uncomfortable to sit with, or they may feel that it is now time to speak out and tell the other partner all the blames that have been percolating as a means to retaking the individuality and dignity that seems to have become lost. While either response is reasonable given what is being experienced, it takes awareness to balance them in ways that can positively impact the road out of emotional turbulence.

At the close of the IACP training we were asked to write a mission statement as a collaborative professional. I wrote "I want to help keep families together as couples part ways." It is possible to maintain the "family" even as it seems to be disintegrating but it is hard to imagine this because we believe that unless the family is 'intact' it is not family. Research has shown that children whose parents divorce, but are able to have an amicable working relationship as a team for their kids, do just as well in the long term as those children whose parents stay together - this is remarkable to me because of the hope that it offers. Families can remain positively connected ever after the legal end of the relationship.

None of us wants a divorce, but divorce happens. Committing to work collaboratively with your spouse or domestic partner is an enlightened approach to resolving conflict, and it is effective for managing the stress of divorce so that it does not get absorbed by kids. This management of stress and conflict is also of immense importance for those without children, and your wellbeing deserves the same attention whether you are a parent or not.

You have alternatives to self-destructing in the throes of your relationship breakup, and I very much want to help you see and use them. These options aren't always apparent to the brain when all one can think about is survival, and your body and mind is reacting and trying to cope with this crisis. I want to help point this out to you, and to show you ways to de-escalate not only the tone of the interactions with your partner but also the stress on your emotional and financial systems. I am not acting as a therapist in that role, but as a facilitator. I don't ever tell you what you should do, but I can offer a resource for helping you to reframe what is happening in ways that may allow the brain to gain the perspective that we all tend to lack in the midst of great emotional challenges, when we are commonly otherwise listening to the repetitive mental tapes of our worries and so become driven by them.

Whether as part of a collaborative team, or as one of two divorce coaches assisting with a collaborative mediation, efficient use of mental health professionals can move individuals and couples beyond toxicity and pain in preparation for a healthy new chapter in their lives. It is an honor for me to have this opportunity. I hope it is something you care to consider.

Karen Horwitz, M.A., M.F.T.
DFMS Co-Mediator and Collaborative Professional

Karen Horwitz has a home in Palm Springs and her private therapeutic practice is located in Torrance. She is available to serve as a co-mediator or collaborative coach in the Coachella Valley and within the greater Los Angeles area.

GRETCHEN W. TAYLOR Attends MEDIATORS BEYOND BORDERS 4th Annual Congress in LOS ANGELES

Desert Family Mediation Services — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 15:00:00 GMT

Desert Family Mediation Services and its team supports Mediators Beyond Borders with both our money contributions to this worthy organization, and our time.

The 4th Annual Congress is taking place this weekend at UCLA in Los Angeles. DFMS Mediator Gretchen W. Taylor is attending the program, and volunteered considerable hours helping to direct the fund-raising for tonight's Special Celebration honoring career mediation pioneers Kenneth Cloke and Joan Goldsmith. Authors, activists, organizers, and teachers, their wisdom and personal grace has touched people around the globe. DFMS is one of a number of mediator groups featured in tonight's tribute book as a donor.

Mediators Beyond Borders - Partnering for Peace & Reconciliation is a non-profit, humanitarian organization established to partner with communities worldwide to build their conflict resolution capacity for preventing, resolving and healing from conflict. This partnership involves the design and implementation of sustainable peace building initiatives responsive to the needs and culture of the communities, and to the history of each conflict. MBB is not a first responder, and is not prepared to intervene in the midst of violent crises.

Mediators Beyond Borders interprets "beyond borders" broadly. It acts across geographical, political, economic, societal, and cultural boundaries. MBB partners with NGO's, universities, political and activist groups, community organizations, professional societies, environmental, commercial and other entities worldwide to develop skills for group facilitation, public dialogue, strategic planning, collaborative negotiation, peer mediation, restorative justice, and public policy consensus building.

MBB considers the term mediator to be inclusive of a broad range of conflict management and resolution endeavors. Activities such as conciliation,consulting, facilitation, consensus building, conducting public dialogues, system design, restorative justice initiatives, education and capacity building to mitigate or prevent violence are all encompassed within a sweeping definition of mediator.

We wholly support this unique organization and expect to have continuing involvements with it in the future.

The DFMS Team

Can You Just HELP Us with a STIPULATED AGREEMENT and How Much Might It COST?

Desert Family Mediation Services — Sat, 12 Feb 2011 15:37:00 GMT

Q. My husband and I are planning a divorce. We read some of your blogs about mediation thank you for making so much information available. We have pretty much agreed how to divide our property. Neither of us wants spousal support from the other, and we have no children. We talked about hiring a paralegal to put the papers together, but my husband is not comfortable having a non-lawyer do it and I agree. Also, we are worried about either of us going to see a lawyer to assist because lawyers seem to find ways to complicate simple things. Neither of us wants to go to court either.

Are you willing to just help us finish all this properly and what would this cost?

Britt, Riverside

A. Greetings Britt! We are happy that you and your husband have found our materials useful. Our goal is to inform people about mediation, whether or not they hire Desert Family Mediation Services.

We are available to assist people in putting together any kind of family related agreement - our reason for being includes keeping people from stumbling through the dissolution or other family law processes. So much the better for you that there is no conflict to overcome. The following applies to mediations where as you say the parties really have resolved everything, or have very little to resolve, and are not conflicted about each other and the divorce or partnership dissolution.

Paralegals provide valuable services, including helping making divorce cheap. Unfortunately, California family law is complex and a non-lawyer (indeed a non family lawyer) is as likely to make a mess of things as to get it right. Not only are there a number for mandatory forms that must be properly filled out so that they are not rejected by the court clerk, but a divorce settlement contains a lot of what seems like boiler-plate provisions that are there for good reason and these need to be understand before it is added to your agreement. I have been hired after the fact to draft and defend motions by unhappy parties wanting to set aside a settlement because of inadvertent errors by paralegals or omitted provisions. Poorly written agreements open the door to this.

In the simplest of cases, the only thing that is desired is to dissolve marital status - there a paralegal can be a savings to you without much risk. And for some couples a lawyer or mediator is just too expensive; paralegal fees can be more than one-half what some lawyers charge so the savings may or may not be significant. By the way, most paralegals have lawyers available to them to review paperwork - these lawyers may or may not be experienced in family law, and usually bill for their review.

There are two forms of settlement documents commonly used in California disso's. One is the Marital Termination Agreement (sometimes called a Marital Settlement Agreement), which contains language that has the effect of incorporating the agreement terms into the Final Judgment. The other is the Stipulated Judgment. The second is the best to utilize since it contains findings and orders that conform with California statutes and caselaw concerning the enforcement of judgments.

At DFMS we used the Stipulated Judgment. Ours tend to be between 30 and 50 pages in length. Obviously they are not created from scratch in each case (and we do not charge as if they were), and their length depends upon whether we need custody provisions, support provisions, long lists of separate or community property, and they are tailored to whatever circumstances mediation participants find themselves in.

We prepare all the paperwork that is exchanged between the parties in all our mediations, and make sure that it is filed with the Court and that both participants have copies of all documents either prepares and signs. We charge $135/hour for our mediation assistant document preparation, and utilize our two assistants whenever possible rather than directly involving mediator time except for significant revisions. We charge a flat $125 set up fee for files, but we do not charge for faxes or copies. Notary fees are extra.

Our lowest rate for simple mediation is $350/hour for the mediator, and $135/hour for our in-house paralegal and our legal assistant. The court filing fee for a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage or Domestic Partnership (or legal separation) is $410. We try to ensure that is your only out of pocket expense and so suggest, particularly in cases where the parties are not likely to ever need to ask the Court to render or modify orders in the future, that a "default" be entered as to the Respondent (i.e., the second party) since this avoids the necessity of paying a second $410 filing fee on their behalf to the State and County governments.

Lets assume that you and your husband make an appointment to interview one of our mediators. We do not bill for the initial meeting that typically lasts between 30 and 60 minutes. This is where our Mediation Retainer is explained and signed. Sometimes we move directly into mediation that day, and it is possible (when realistic) to cover the outline of the entire settlement. It is not our function to talk anyone into or out of a particular settlement - however, in order for consent a Stipulated Judgment to be informed and voluntary, we will make sure that both parties have a basic understanding of what their rights and obligations under the law might be. One of the key benefits of mediation is that in almost all respects people are free to depart from "what a court might do" and achieve their own best agreements. Usually we will spend at least two hours learning what your agreement is and giving you a basic family law education.

Next, a Petition is prepared by our staff on behalf of one of the two parties which is filed with the Court. We ask the other to come in and receipt for it and this begins the six months' time running in order for the marriage to be dissolved. In order to have an enforceable stipulated judgment - in fact, as a condition to getting it in front of a judge for review and signature - the parties in California must exchange "Preliminary Declarations of Disclosure." We ask the parties to fill these out in draft form, with out staff often combining the information from both into a document for each person that mirrors both parties' information. This can can take a couple of hours, although when the participants are more thorough it takes staff less time to finalize the documents.

Finally, the Stipulated Judgment is drafted from the parties' agreement and is reviewed by both and revised as needed. Ultimately it is signed by them and this is what is submitted to the Court, along with several other required documents. This avoids any court appearance. The Judgment agreement may take 1.5 to 3 hours of mediator time (or more, depending).

So, where mediation participants really do have their agreements buttoned up at the time we begin, out of pocket expenses rarely exceed $410; mediator fees may approximate $2,500; and paralegal/mediation assistant fees usually come in at about $400 to $600. If as your matter unfolds we find that we have to mediate through some issues that were not anticipated at the beginning, costs can increase. But because we bill you and you pay in real time, you will not find yourself surprised.

We wish you and your husband a successful and amicable dissolution!

Thurman W. Arnold, III, CFLS
2/12/11

How Might We Work With STRONGLY FELT EMOTIONS That Surface During Mediation?

Desert Family Mediation Services — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 16:28:00 GMT

As is to be expected, people in the midst of relationship transition are experiencing a deep range of emotions that include varying levels of personal distress. For some these are manageable when mediation commences, but they may become inflamed by something that is said or felt during the process. For others anger or hurt is always evident as an 'elephant in the room'. Given sufficient provocation and intensity these dynamics can surface and threaten to derail the mediation.

This is particularly true when participants engage in persistent back and forth accusations and recrimination during the sessions. We encounter this with many families to greater or lesser extents, and we hear of it as back stories that erupt as arguments that the parties later report. This is all quite natural - family law cases are underpinned by powerful feelings about any number of subjects, each containing sharp hooks where people can find themselves caught and polarized in an instant.

Similarly, when strong emotions are used to justify and link to self-serving concepts of 'fairness entitlements' or to purely 'legal rights', threads that might lead to potential mutual interests and joint benefit win-win situations seem to fray or become knotted. Parties may begin to lose hope.

The impulse can be to end mediation, believing that Family Court is now the only way to end the dance. This may or may not be true for your matter. Mediation does require that both parties be willing to work together at pivotal junctures, and one party alone cannot do all the heavy lifting. But we hope that you not resort to litigation just because passions repeatedly challenge you (and the mediator) - after all, this tension may have been one reason you decided to mediate in the first place and is not news. Years working with families within the adversary system have demonstrated for us that people suffer immensely by adopting that course. Moreover, we have found that stubborn patience pays dividends and that cases that seemed impossible have ended well. When confronted during mediation by the other person's deep anger or you own, we urge you to stay the course.

By looking at what underlies intense negative feelings we all can be helped to better understand how resentment ripens into judgments that interrupt or render impossible the openness required for crafting workable resolutions. It is possible to "out" these judgments in ways that help to diminish the otherwise co-optive power they can assume over wise and sensitive decision-making.

We acknowledge that this can be a daunting task. The idea of investigating the reasons why we feel and what (pain?) we feel can be really frightening. It can sound like a replay of what is bringing the relationship to an end, of which you've had enough. It could also become another place to swirl and twist, and so it requires that the subject be approached with earnestness and integrity. For this is the rub: If parties to mediation remain fixed within an overriding anger, or the hurt that underwrites it, they are not likely to move on with their lives (or to achieve a settlement) in any satisfactory or healthy way. Each party's willingness to investigate what is transpiring a little more deeply may be a key that unlocks the door to an improved level of freedom for both. Together we can try to work through to it.

Partly because of these recognitions, DFMS mediators Thurman Arnold and Retired Judge Gretchen Taylor spent the past six days training with a small and passionate group of professional mediators under the supervision of Gary F. Friedman, Jack Himmelstein, and Norman Fischer. These gentlemen comprise the "The Center for Understanding in Conflict & The Center for Mediation in Law", based in Mill Valley and New York City. Gary is a peacemaking trainer, lawyer, and mediator based in Northern California. Jack is a conflict theorist and former law professor at the Columbia University Law School and lives in New York. Norman is an author and former Zen abbot who teaches mindfulness practices. This group is developing useful techniques for becoming unstuck when strong emotions threaten to overwhelm the parties' mediation.

Of particular focus was the high conflict divorce, and how it challenges mediators too. The parties' emotions can strike chords within us, and so our goal in undertaking this training is to better connect in an authentic way with our mediation participants and their experiences, and ourselves. We aim to improve our skillfulness in moving parties forward to successful outcomes even when cases become quite bitter, and found the workshop offered useful tools for helping maintain focus and for investigating how feelings can become destructive to the process. The parties' options and choices can be expanded and redirected in positive ways if we can sit and be present with what is distracting us.

Emotions need not be directly addressed in every mediation. Very strong negative feelings are rarely fatal to the endeavor. But if either party's experience includes dynamics that cause blockages to resolving their dispute, if permitted to do so mediators can guide the participants to better recognize what is occurring inside and between them, and so keep the process on track.

If this topic applies to your relationship transition, the three of us might benefit by openly discussing and exploring it early on.

Thurman W. Arnold, CFLS
DFMS Mediator Serving Riverside County, California
2/5/2011

GENDER DIFFERENCES and the CO-MEDIATION SOLUTION

Desert Family Mediation Services — Sat, 01 Jan 2011 23:55:00 GMT

While we wouldn't say that co-mediating your dissolution or custody matter is necessarily superior to engaging a sole mediator, we find that there are benefits to co-mediation that particularly assist some parties. Could a team of two oppositely gendered professionals be more effective than the more traditional practice of using only one?

The reality is that men and women experience the breakup of marriages or non-marital relationships differently, and this assertion is supported by research in the mental health sciences. We suspect this comes as no surprise since many of the couples we meet complain how the other failed to understand differences in emotional views and experiences as the relationship unraveled - indeed, it is always one of the contributing causes. This tension accompanies people into the mediation room and without guidance it continues to block a dialogue that is necessary to sensitively address the needs and concerns of each partner; it is sometimes a source of immense frustration that actively inhibits a solutions based conversation that tends to swing some people into at least mild fits of outrage. Such moments are exactly what fuels the litigation alternative as one or both parties shuts down and gives up, ready to engage in an adversarial arm's race "no matter what it costs" or "to the last penny" that no calm person would want for themselves, much less for their children. The essence of conflict, and the best way to perpetuate it, is to wrap one's fist tightly around a core value seen only from the point of view of the observer and refuse to budge. Gender differences can take control of the dispute and yet be entirely unnoticed.

At DFMS we consider such moments to be opportunities to begin to reframe the discussion. Co-mediation can help each party to understand that the different approaches to conflict that seem so divisive (and truly can be) aren't so much 'personal' as they are a function of conditioning. This is not imply that mediators carry some magic wand of understanding that automatically relieves the tension and discord of views in collision, but where disputants are willing to open up just a little and to admit the possibility that differences in perspective are natural and unconscious - conditioned and possibly even biological - mediators can facilitate movement that is otherwise unexpected. Whole new possibilities arise.

With one mediator and two parties a sort of triangulated interrelationship can seem to begin to develop. The parties' interactions become one side of that triangle with an energetic anxiety moving back and forth between them as difficult subjects relating to the functional consequences of divorce are aired and considered. Each party may be, quite reasonably, fearful that the familiar communication blocks will re-emerge and limit considerations relating to the needs of each side. Indeed that often does occur for a time. If that anxiety is not redirected by the mediator, each party attempts to align the mediator's views with their own in a bid for reassurance. If unchecked this inevitably leads to a sense of bias for the other party who worries that the mediator is being swayed by the first party, regardless whether bias in fact exists. Since with a single mediator for opposite sex parties one person is of the same sex as the mediator, suspicion or worry over bias can even reach panic proportions. Obviously it takes skill for the mediator to de-escalate such concerns, but perhaps you can see that a dual mediator model allows each party to feel equally supported and reassured.

There are many other benefits of co-mediation. Two mediator professionals assisting a couple always creates a synergy and a collective wisdom of what is actually happening in the room between the parties, and even an inspired approach to problem solving. It serves as a regulator on unconscious biases which might be held by the mediators and so enter the process.

At DFMS we believe that "two heads are better than one." We recognize that this can make the process more expensive than many families can afford, or to cost more than the parties want to spend even when their resources are substantial. We do not mean to imply that a successful mediation requires two facilitators. It is simply another tool to assist you these difficult transitions, of greater or lesser value depending upon the dynamics of your relationship. We are passionate about mediation and honestly love what we do. Co-mediation makes the process even more satisfying for us, but our joy derives entirely upon meeting and working with you towards positive outcomes. For this reason we reduce the fees together significantly below what each of us charges individually.

If you believe that some of the tensions that your relationship dispute includes relate to male/female differences in viewpoints, or if co-mediation is a process that has advantages that resonate for your life, please consider it is a worthy option.

Thurman W. Arnold, III, CFLS
Mediator and Family Law Attorney

Mediation Is Not Appropriate For Everyone: It is a VOLUNTARY PROCESS With Boundaries

Thurman W. Arnold, III, CFLS — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 03:38:00 GMT

Mediation is a difficult and beautiful dance. People arrive with deeply held and heartfelt concerns, and they will continue to hold these core values no matter what occurs. It is not for the mediator or the other party to try to change these core values, and that wouldn't succeed anyway. Mediators can facilitate cooperative insights that benefit both parties mutually, but they do not impose them. Openness is the parties' joint responsibility and a journey that they must undertake together if the process is to succeed.

People also arrive with settlement expectations, and while these may relate to core values, these are not the same thing and ought not be transposed. Expectations are entirely reasonable, but expectations can make people stuck - and mediation is designed to help couples become "unstuck." Fear of some perceived adverse outcome often underlies these expectations.

While mediation is an opportunity belonging to the participants, and the mediator is present to assist in actualizing dialogues that may lead to conflict resolution, mediators have a responsibility to maintain civility, dignity, and boundaries during the process. Mediation is not "anything goes" or "I should be able to say whatever I feel is important" especially if the other party might feel extremely unsettled by such statements. Themes of blame and shame often underlie such statements, and while these must be recognized they cannot be used as cudgels. It is the mediator's goal to assist equanimity.

I attempt to make this clear in our Orientation Session. For instance, the Mediation Agreement I ask you to sign contains the following language:

"The mediator will attempt to resolve any outstanding disputes among the parties as long as both parties make a good-faith effort to reach an agreement to both parties. Parties must be willing and able to participate in the process. The mediation agreement requires compromise, and the parties agree to attempt to be flexible and open to new possibilities for a resolution for their disputes. If the mediator, in his or her professional judgment, concludes that agreement is not possible or that continuation of the mediation process would harm or prejudice any of the participants, the mediation shall withdraw and the mediation conclude."

"Harm or prejudice" includes speech, conduct, behavior, threats of litigation, power-plays, or an insistence that the mediation process only validate one party's core beliefs or agendas where one or both parties are unwilling or unable to permit the other to have a different view. Different views are discussed and even to be encouraged, but that is not the same thing as saying "you must accept my views or else." I find that if people hang in with the process (one that they can always leave later since litigation remains available as a final resort), an unspoken attitude of "or else" may soften and dissipate as more information comes to light. The actual divorce or domestic partnership settlement usually ends of looking and feeling different that what was expected or feared.

Mediation unfolds in real time. It requires skill to manage the mediation exchange between the parties, but artistry or the passion of any mediator towards resolution won't guarantee that mediation between some conflicted spouses will succeed. At DFMS, we believe that our responsibility includes anticipating and reframing what is said in the mediation room. We may sometimes inquire as to what point is intended to be expressed. This is not to be disrespectful, but instead to protect the integrity and safety of the process itself, for each party.

Mediation disputants have to be willing to permit and even help the mediator to help them, understanding that the mediator provides no magic wand and relies upon the parties' own desire for resolution. Without a joint and separate commitment to the goals of mediation, when core values, expectations and fear collide with resolution possibilities the mediation may fail. We cannot give you guarantees. We do offer unconditional commitment to you and your family, nonetheless.

The dialogue between the parties must be one that they are both comfortable in engaging in. This is because mediation is a voluntary process. Mediation cannot occur or continue without the other's consent. It certainly doesn't force agreement.

In contrast litigation allows either party to say whatever they wish to say, at least in declaration form if not when the process is occurring in open court and Judges are sustaining objections. Mediation requires more, and patience. This is because although in litigation while one side might have a say limited by Evidence Code rules of relevancy, in mediation there are two sides that must be supported at the same instant - equally if the process is to have integrity for both. Otherwise it becomes argument.

There are times in mediation when one or both parties can't say what they might want to say, and we honor your frustration if this occurs. But mediation is not a platform for either party to launch into their unresolved sense of the relationship difficulties - that discussion is what brings you to us, and it probably hasn't worked thus far. Mediation is not therapy. The mediator's role is not to debate questions or issues with either party, but to try to provide the best environment for positive and respectful dialogue and problem solving, as well as legal expertise about family law issues. Some parties are more appropriately placed with litigating attorneys who can serve as their warriors, or in representing themselves, if that is their desire.

Adversary litigation is not our wish for you, but sometimes it is the only open course. Mediation is not for every one.

Thurman W. Arnold, CFLS
Desert Family Mediation Services Mediator

DFMS Mediator HON. GRETCHEN TAYLOR Featured In December, 2010, Los Angeles Family Magazine

Desert Family Mediation Services — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 02:36:00 GMT

We are pleased to share with you DFMS Mediator the Hon. Gretchen Taylor's December, 2010, article in the Los Angeles Family Magazine "Ask the Family Judge".

Here is the link to the publication. Judge Taylor's article appears at page 12.

To read a PDF of Judge Tayor's article instead, please click here!

Desert Family Mediation Services